[spray can rattles]
Subtitles by explosiveskull
[young boy] ♪ My name is Hutch and I got Something on my mind ♪
♪ Baby Jill ♪
♪ You probably get this All the time ♪
♪ Cats steppin' to you Spittin' you a corny line ♪
♪ So I thought I'd put My feelings for you In a rhyme ♪
♪ It's pretty easy for me 'Cause you're so fine ♪
♪ Check out Myspace Or Friendster If you need to vet me ♪
♪ Be my girl and life for us Will be sweeter than Pepsi ♪
♪ And not diet either ♪
So, what do you think?
[scoffs]
- [woman moaning] - [man] Damn, Kelly, you're so special.
I think you might be the one. [groans]
[both panting]
- Hutch... - Oh!
Mom, private space.
This is my house. Every space is my space.
[Kelly] You live with your mother?
- What'd I tell you about them Beckys? - Ah, her name is Kelly.
Whatever. Do you know what today is, Hutch?
Yes, the day that you crossed the boundary
- by being in here while I'm trying to get busy. - No.
Four years ago you graduated from college, and we had a deal.
The deal was that you would have a job by today or be out of my house.
Ma, I know that, but...
But nothing. You are out of here today.
No more extensions. No more excuses.
Ma, come on. I am the victim here, okay?
- I'm an overeducated millennial that's trying to just... - Here.
That's so you can rinse that bullshit out your mouth.
Ma!
We're done.
Ma!
Mama.
Mama, listen.
Look, I know it's the deadline, all right?
But you gotta give me more time.
You don't want your baby boy out here in the streets just working no regular-ass job.
I'm gonna tell you what I don't want.
Is for my son to keep on embarrassing me.
Mama, how am I embarrassing you?
Did you know when you were in the fifth grade,
Miss Humphries pulled me to the side.
I hope she ain't breathe on you, man,
'cause her mouth was like an asshole with teeth.
Stop it with the jokes!
She said, "Barb, you got a good one.
He's got looks, brains, heart."
Whatever happened to that boy?
- He became a man, grew up, you know? - [cell phone vibrating]
Matter of fact,
just got an interview right now.
I'm about to go crush it.
Pack your shit today, or I will.
Okay.
- I'm not playing with you, Hutch. - You look nice, Mama.
[man] I texted you guys because I have exciting news.
I proposed to Maggie last night.
- She said yes! - Congratulations.
You're getting married, man? That's so damn gay.
Okay, Maggie's a woman, so it's actually the opposite of gay.
Yeah, but you're 26, man. Why you wanna be tied down to one beaver?
Because I'm in love with the woman that's attached to that "beaver."
Gross. Anyway, I got an announcement too.
I'm moving out of my mama's crib.
- That's awesome. - Yeah, 'cause that shit was getting sad, bro.
And I'm moving in with one of y'all, so...
Absolutely not.
Come on, man. We always talked about being roommates.
We said that when we was 13.
I'll pay rent. [scoffs]
Y'all just get me a job at one of your companies.
You work out constantly, and you can't even keep a job as a personal trainer.
That's because they wanted me to wake up at 8:00-freaking-AM, man.
Roosters don't even be up that damn early.
Hey, tough love time, bro.
You're becoming a loser.
Sorry, man. You're on your own.
Y'all for real?
[sucks teeth] Man, y'all some fucking sellouts, man.
You know what? Don't ask Hutch for shit. How 'bout that?
What could we ever need from you?
- Whatever, man. I don't need this shit. - Hey, Hutch, wait.
- We actually do need something. - [chuckles]
That's what I thought.
You got a grilled buffalo chicken salad and four vodka sodas.
- You owe us $38. - [scoffs]
Yeah, well, congratulations... assholes.
Oh! What the hell, Ma?
Uh, uh, uh, back that up. Back that up.
- I need my life back. - Mom, come on.
I can't even have friends over here, especially male friends,
with your grown ass in my house.
You wanna kick me out the house so you can have random saggy-balled mens
running around naked in the crib from MILFme.com?
- Yes! - What am I supposed to do?
That should be your problem, but since your mother knows that you're completely useless,
I have contacted your Uncle Mike,
and he now has a job for you.
Bingo! You've got a job.
- Oh, hell no. - Give me my keys.
Ma, I cannot spend my whole summer with a bunch of "before" pictures.
- I will blow my brains out. - Well, you know where my gun is.
- Give me my keys. - Ma, come on.
Fat is contagious. I can catch it in the skin.
Now you have six weeks to figure out what you're gonna do with your life.
- Keys! - Ma, I had a dope-ass interview today.
Crushed it, crushed it...
Oh, I guess that's why I received a text from your boy Dave saying,
"Tell Hutch he owes me $38 for his food and drinks at happy hour."
Oh, he's such a bitch for that!
- Keys. - Come on, Ma!
Keys.
Mom.
- Ow! - No keys.
Now, you go crush that fitness camp,
or you'll be crushing a homeless shelter.
- You ain't even using "crushing" right. - Go crush yourself!
- [sucks teeth] - [door opens, closes]
[announcer] At Camp Vision, we create a safe environment for your child
while stressing nutrition and exercise.
They'll have too much fun to notice the pounds are flying off.
- Welcome. - Fuck my life, man.
[hip-hop playing]
[man rapping] ♪ This road I take ♪
♪ Choices to make Adios, I'm ghost ♪
♪ C'est la vie Make room ♪
♪ Please excuse me Don't get in my way ♪
♪ Don't-Don't just stand there Move ♪
♪ This road I take ♪
♪ Choices to make Adios, I'm ghost ♪
♪ C'est la vie Make room ♪
♪ Please excuse me Don't get in my way ♪
♪ Don't-Don't just stand there Move, move ♪
♪ To the max I can't relax I'm doing 100 ♪
♪ Movement of the stomach Got me thinking Of the summer ♪
♪ To the top Can't drop Can't plummet, can't stop ♪
♪ Gonna gun it Trying to get it Got a point ♪
♪ Want it like You want to breathe Indeed ♪
♪ Get up off them knees Proceed ♪
♪ Think it's less on wants More on needs ♪
♪ More success to come I must bleed ♪
[rap continues]
♪ Encore, take a bow Will vow for anyone ♪
♪ We're going to show them how Get it down To the simplest minimum ♪
♪ Move, move, move ♪
Fuuuuck.
Come in.
Yo, Uncle Mike, what up?
Hey, look. First off, it's "Big Mike" around here.
I can't have people thinking this is a nepotism hire, as it clearly is.
It's totally merit-based.
You have zero merit on which to base it, okay?
Trust me, I would've said no, but I'm as desperate as you are.
Yeah, shocking. Another crisis for the big man.
Not quite as desperate.
I have lodging.
Ouch, man, damn.
Look, I'm sorry.
Your aunt really left me in a lurch.
Sorry, man. Must be tough when your wife leaves you
for another woman... that you hired.
Couldn't have seen that on her résumé.
Look, I can do this job in my sleep, okay?
But I'm not a marketer.
She used to do all the websites, and the Twitters and stuff.
Now that she's gone, my attendance is shit.
I can't do two people's jobs, Hutch. I'm one person.
What about on a airplane?
Fuck you, I'm one person.
Okay.
I dunno. Maybe I should just burn this place down
and retire off the insurance money or something.
Yo, come on, Uncle Mike, chill.
You got a sponsor or somebody I can call to help you with all this shit you going through?
Hutch...
I need you to listen to me.
I need big results this summer to attract more campers...
or I'm gonna lose this place.
Good. Then you can get a job where you don't have to watch
an elephant parade all goddamn day.
That's a really nice way to say thank you.
- For what? - For giving you a job, asshole.
At a fat camp? Thank you.
"Fitness camp."
All right, man, "fitness camp."
From what your mom tells me, this is your last shot.
Otherwise you're gonna end up in a homeless shelter,
getting raped by a schizophrenic named Tobias
who thinks he's a unicorn and hasn't showered in months.
What?
Look, bottom line is...
you got no place else to go,
and my camp could actually benefit from your fitness acumen.
But I need you to take this job seriously,
'cause unlike your mom, I'm not giving you 20 chances.
My camp, my rules.
My hell. Thank you.
Hey.
You know, you could learn to love this place, if you let yourself.
Actually, try loving anything besides yourself.
You must be Hutch Daley.
I'm Charlie Soto.
Welcome to Camp Vision, California's premier fitness camp.
Fat camp.
I'm your CIT... your counselor-in-training.
Whoa, no, no, no, no, no. Bottom bunk.
Oh, well, counselors usually take the bottom...
I will not sleep a wink if I'm worried about your fat ass crushing me from above.
Oh, oh, oh. You missed orientation.
Um, don't worry though. I'll fill you in.
Just tell me where to be at at what time so I don't get fired.
I don't care about kids or their self-esteem or helping them
under their layers of lard, all right?
[chuckles] Edgy humor.
You're like a young Don Rickles.
- But I promise you're gonna fall in love with all our boys. - No homo, man, damn.
No, I'm heterosexual. Common mistake.
[Big Mike] Welcome, campers,
to a healthy, prosperous summer at Camp Vision.
Please tell all your fitness-challenged friends about us
so we can get more paying customers...
I mean, so we can change more lives!
This is the best day of summer. [sniffs]
Just smell that excitement in the air.
I smell trapped fat-fold sweat.
Welcome, camper.
I'm Charlie, this is Hutch. And we're here to help you battle your bulge.
Jamar Hilton Jeffers reporting for camp, sir!
Welcome back. But what are you doing here?
You look incredible.
Please don't patronize me, Charlie. I'm a soft, gross mess.
[man rapping] ♪ Yo, on the East Coast We got the West Coast ♪
Kyle Danson in the hizzy!
Damn, girl, you fine.
I'll go ahead and get your number so I'll keep you updated with Carl's progress.
It's Kyle. And no.
♪ Overseas with My bank account ♪
It says that we have one more camper here.
[tires screeching]
Come on!
I don't need to lose weight. I'm a fricking stud!
I will not be fat-shamed.
You can all go to hell!
What's the bitch sitch like around here?
'Cause I brought hella rubbers.
- What's up, piggies? - [car horn honks]
Watch out, kids! It's Lone Pine.
- [groans] - [boys laughing]
- [groans] - Losers!
Hey, Lone Pine, fuck off!
That's okay.
Fuck my life.
[laughing, chattering]
All right, gentlemen, let's circle up.
Welcome to our first nightly devotions.
Hutch, can you put your phone away, please?
Why you dressed like that? Got a hot date? [chuckles]
- Can we smell your fingers later? - [boy chuckles]
Hutch and I are going to a staff banquet.
And if I did ever third-base a lady,
I would never share her essence.
Let's go around the room.
Say our names, where we're from,
and why we're here at camp and then something fun.
Okay. I'm Charlie.
I'm from sunny San Clemente.
And my favorite band is Nickelback, obviously.
And I'm here at camp to help you guys get fit.
Uh, I'm Andy, from Santa Barbara.
- My doctor made me come... - No homo.
- Hutch, seriously? - His doctor made him come.
Sounds like his MD gave him an HJ.
He didn't.
I've got the chubby trinity: high cholesterol, hypertension, and Type 2 'betes.
Who's next?
Oh, well, I'm Jamar from Riverside.
It was my third summer coming here,
and I won't stop till I've got ripped abs, solid delts and chiseled calves.
My goal is to get fit, play high school ball,
become a marine, then a senator, then president.
Hey, don't send any dick pics, all right?
That shit comes back to haunt you.
I'm Kyle, and I'm here for one reason:
pussy! [laughs]
A nigga like me is tryin' to get his dick wet up.
Wait, time out.
Rewind!
What did you just say?
I said "a" not "er." One love.
You say that disrespectful shit again, you're gonna get one punch.
My bad, bro.
- [sighs] - Anyway,
instead of getting shot down by skinny bitches all summer,
I'm boxing in a more realistic weight class.
I can respect that shit.
[clears throat]
[grunts]
Um, I'm Marshall from Lake Elsinore,
and I'm a sexy bitch who's here against my will.
This whole place is a bullshit farm to make us skinny.
For what?
I mean, look at me. I'm great!
Noted.
That just leaves Hutch.
Yo, I'm Hutch. Duh.
From Long Beach. LBC in the muthafuckin' hizzouse.
Great! Bedtime.
A good night's sleep is the first step towards weight loss.
Oh, yeah,
and y'all figure out your beat-off schedules, all right?
'Cause it's real creepy if we get involved.
Uh, bro.
Kyle, what's a beat-off schedule?
Oh, got it.
Yeah, sure thing.
[classical music, faint]
I told you you should've dressed nicer.
[scoffs] I ain't wasting my sexy on these she-whales. You crazy?
Holy boner parade.
Who is that?
She's a knockout, right?
Beautiful, and she doesn't even know it.
Yo, what's her name?
Candace.
One day I'm gonna work the nerve to ask her out.
Most girls her size wouldn't wear a white dress like that, but she is really working it.
I'm sorry, are your eyes broken, man?
She's not wearing a white dress.
Wait, that's the girl you nervous to ask out? [laughs]
Yeah, I can't get her to notice me.
Put some bacon in your pocket. Motherfucker is crazy.
That girl, man.
Who is that girl?
Oh, that's, uh... that's Abby Krupa.
Oh.
She's cute too, if you're into that type of thing.
Everybody's into that type of thing.
[Candace] My job won't stop until it sucks the goddamn soul out of me.
- I know. - 'Sup, girl?
- Hey! - I'm Hutch Daley.
Yeah, I know. I don't know what we did in our past lives
to end up at this blubber farm,
but you are a sight for sore eyes.
All right, everybody.
- [feedback squeals] - Does this thing work?
Settle down. There's gonna be plenty of time for socializing, catching up.
Dinner's coming out soon.
And nothing contains peanuts 'cause I can't afford another lawsuit.
Right? [laughs]
Want a hit?
I want to listen to Big Mike's speech.
- [Big Mike] This is... - [liquid pouring]
the most important summer in our camp's history.
Well, because this camp is pretty damn close to going broke.
Yo, you ever thought that your hotness
gets in the way of people taking you seriously?
By "I want to listen," I meant "be quiet."
I dig a woman that knows what she wants.
Okay then.
Shut the fuck up so I can listen to my boss's speech.
All right, so, um, new incentive policy! Huh?
The counselor whose campers lose the highest cumulative body fat...
gets a $5,000 bonus!
- [all gasping] - Before taxes.
If you have any questions, guys, check in with Abby Krupa,
our "AK-47," and reigning queen of weight loss.
She holds the record for 47 pounds lost by one camper.
But, you know, hey, hey. I see some new faces, ya know?
Maybe one of them might challenge the throne, you never know.
Hell yeah. Shit, for five G's.
Boy, I'll put my finger down these kids' throats myself, choke 'em out. Bow-bow!
Bulimia, you know, isn't part of the program, but that's great.
Abby, it looks like you've got some competition on your hands.
Only downside is the bonus was supposed to be the end-of-summer dance money.
So we're gonna be combining the dance with Camp Lone Pine.
Um, it's good to see you guys.
Um, enjoy dinner. [clears throat]
[counselors groaning]
[snoring]
[panting]
[Abby] Come on. Let's line up.
Are you eating right now?
We just had breakfast, man.
- Uh, it's a banana, sir. - I know what it is!
[gasps]
Look, that thing's loaded with sugar, guys.
What's the one thing you can eat that has zero calories?
That pink pastry.
- How would a pastry have zero calories? - It means "cooter," vag.
Listen up. Focus.
You guys think y'all have, like, I dunno, a little bit of baby fat?
Yeah? No.
You got grown-man fat on your little baby bodies.
Your lives are gonna suck dead donkey dick if you don't focus up and fix it.
Right now, okay?
Kettle bells. Come on. Let's go.
Ladies, kettle bells.
Just 15 pounds. We start slow and learn to love it.
We still talking about exercise?
No, nothing less than than 40, all right?
This ain't no pussy-ass Pilates class, okay?
We're building man muscle here. Let's go. Come on.
- [man rapping] ♪ Girl, I wanna ♪ - ♪ Do it ♪
- ♪ Don't you wanna ♪ - ♪ Do it ♪
You guys suck!
- ♪ Can we ♪ - ♪ Do it ♪
- ♪ Let's go ♪ - ♪ Do it ♪
[groaning]
- ♪ You know you wanna ♪ - ♪ Do it ♪
- ♪ Quit playing, girl ♪ - ♪ Do it ♪
Good job, ladies. Keep it up. Keep it up!
Man down! Man...
Help me.
[rapping continues]
[grunting] Come on!
♪ D-O I-T D-O I-T ♪
♪ This is how we do it When we crash your party ♪
- ♪ I wanna ♪ - ♪ Do it ♪
- ♪ Don't you wanna ♪ - ♪ Do it ♪
You're tired already, man? We've only been out here 20 minutes.
What are you gonna do at the dance when you're trying to get your swerve on?
We won't be swerving anything, man.
It's a joint dance with Lone "Peen."
Aw, come on, you guys are gonna love it.
It's only the most magical night of the summer.
- Hell no! I don't dance. - Why? I'm sure you can dance...
- Oh, is it because I'm black? - Yeah.
Well, I can't dance.
- Hmm. - Did I tell y'all to stop sweating?
Why's it with Lone Pine?
I used to go there. I know what they'll do to us.
- What? - They throw raw pork products at us.
Then you'd better run your porky asses on, man.
Sulking is a shitty calorie burner.
- Let's go. Come on! - [clapping]
Come on, ladies, come on. Yes, you can do it!
- ♪ Don't you wanna ♪ - ♪ Do it ♪
Great job.
- ♪ Let's go ♪ - ♪ Do it ♪
- ♪ Should we ♪ - ♪ Do it ♪
♪ Could we ♪
Come on. Yes! You can do it. Come on.
Seven...
[groaning]
[groans]
[whimpering]
Y'all pathetic, man.
Seriously.
My grandma could do these workouts, man,
and she's been dead for three years.
Maybe tomorrow we ease up, let their muscles repair?
Hell no, Charlie.
Who cares if we lose weight, man?
I do, Marshall. I need that fucking money.
Dope-ass apartments don't pay for themselves.
What money?
Huh. We get a bonus of a thousand dollars
if y'all lose all that weight by the end of summer.
I don't think we're supposed to be sharing that with them...
If I win that thousand, I'll give each of y'all a hundred bucks.
- I'm listening. - I'm listening too.
- My man. - Bribery? Man, you suck.
You're goddamn right. All right, so let's review strategies, all right?
For meals. What do they consist of?
- Protein and vegetables. - Thank you.
What do we eat if we're craving carbs?
Brown rice and sweet potatoes and pussy.
- You are what you eat. - That's disgusting.
- What do we completely avoid? - Listening to your ass.
- White bread, white rice... - White women?
Ah, I'll put that in the moderation category, brother.
Trust me on that.
Yeah, moderation.
Yeah, you feel me, Kyle.
All right, pigs-in-a-blanket time, baby!
Yes! We finally get a cheat treat.
- I'm starving! - Hell no. You ain't getting no cheat treat.
It's bedtime. Y'all the pigs. Now get in the goddamn blankets!
[groans]
Ain't no goddamn pancakes.
I need that money. Lights out! Go to bed!
Look, all I'm saying is that it's hard enough whipping these kids into shape.
You can't keep undermining my authority.
I'm in charge here, and that's...
Goddamn. Why'd you hit me like that, man?
Can you help me talk to her?
[giggles]
I think you're beyond help, all right?
Let's just get some liquid courage into you.
Whoa. I'm a CIT.
I'm allowed to go into the Legion, but I'm not allowed to drink.
Oh, party never ends with you, huh?
I don't think so.
So why do they call this the Legion?
It's an American Legion post.
So not only are you catching a buzz,
but you're also supporting the veterans.
Yeah, I'm nothing if not a patriot.
This place is exactly like I imagined it.
It smells like post-adolescent high jinks, and summer romance...
And mildew and colostomy bags.
Why would anyone hang out here?
Oh, well, because they don't card.
Every camp staff within a 20-mile radius comes here.
I swear to God, if you hit me like that again, I will shit on your pillow.
Help me. Help me. Help me. Help me.
- I'm not going to. - Please?
No.
What's up, Hutch?
Since you're a newbie, first round's on me.
- Hmm. - Hey, Candace.
- Hey. - You look amazing.
Thanks, Charlie.
You're finally old enough to come to the Legion,
and pretty soon you can actually drink.
Hello, gorgeous.
I'm gonna leave you guys to whatever the fuck this is.
[man] ♪ Falling out of love again ♪
♪ Falling down And lost a friend ♪
♪ Time ♪
'Sup.
Good job today.
Really nailed it.
So you were watching me, like, all day.
Couldn't keep your eyes off a brother, huh?
Oh, that's your takeaway?
Look, this whole back-and-forth, hard-to-get thing is cute, Abby,
but I will get you.
And I will get you hard.
[laughs]
It's like you're doing this really shitty impression of a pickup artist.
What is this whole front you have going on?
I don't front. [scoffs] Hutch keeps it one hunnit.
"Duh, Hutch keeps it 100. Yeah, you can't take your beautiful eyes off me."
No one said beautiful. Your eyes are all right, okay.
Oh, now you're negging me?
Yeah, some of us haven't fully matured.
Matured, all right. Yeah, we can talk about maturity over a drink.
- What you having? - An annoying conversation.
I heard beer. Yo, my man.
Yo, excuse me, old man.
Hey! Yo!
Jimbo. Zip it. Thirsty customer.
Yeah.
Give me a vodka soda and a beer.
[sighs]
Vodka soda and a beer.
Okay.
Jimbo's eyes and ears are going.
They should Old Yeller him, but some people find that inhumane.
[laughing]
- Douglas Alvarez. - Hutch Daley, man. I work at Vision.
- You mean "Camp Virgin," where boners go to die? - Yeah, right.
Shit, they ain't all bad though.
Ooh, careful. That one's a tough nut to crack.
- Oh, yeah? You tried to hit it? - I did hit it.
Took her to a nice dinner, then turned that thing inside out.
Then she ghosted me.
It would hurt, but I respect her game too much.
Feel that.
I'm sure there's other good pussy at Vision.
Big girls work harder in bed. It's how they reward you for slumming it.
- I don't got to worry about that at Lone Pine though. - You work at Lone Pine?
Yes, sir. Nothing but cool bros and down hos.
- Come on. I'll introduce you. - Ah, nah, I gotta take these drinks to...
Ghosted. [sharp exhale]
- Feel like blazing up? - Oh, my dude.
- Man! - Easy, Daley.
Except for a few junior high circle jerks, I'm a strict vag-eterian.
[laughing]
Circle jerks?
[Big Mike on PA] Good morning, campers and staff.
Week one is almost over,
and if you're going through junk food withdrawals,
remember, it gets better.
What are you doing?
Pinch my skin together like this.
[shutter snaps]
- [giggles] - Really?
Is that for Sean?
Um, Eric.
I bagged me a Lone Piner.
He sent me this.
What the hell is that?
[giggling continues]
Rebecca!
I mean, he has a vagina in his armpit,
but other than that he's really hot.
- Mm-hmm. - Maybe I should just stay with Sean.
- Do you think he's out of my league? - No. Absolutely not.
Look, when I was your age, there was this guy who did these stupid raps.
I mean, I was chubby, but he was way overweight.
His rap name was Big Brotha, which was really stupid, but,
you know, I thought it was cute 'cause I liked him.
So I asked him out. You know what he said?
What?
He said he wouldn't date a fat girl.
Don't assume that because you have the same weight issues that makes you compatible.
What kind of guys do you like?
[sighs] The wrong ones.
Hello, ladies.
[woman] ♪ Money, money ♪
♪ I just can't get enough ♪
♪ Dollar, dollar I just can't get enough ♪
Come on, Becca. You got this.
- ♪ Brother, brother ♪ - Let's do this.
[Hutch] Come on. Let's do this.
♪ Just to buy the things That keep you satisfied ♪
Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!
Push! Push!
- Come on. Let's go. Let's go! - [Charlie] Come on.
♪ Money, money ♪
♪ It's all about the money ♪
[groans]
- [panting] - ♪ It's all about the money ♪
♪ Money, money ♪
- ♪ I just can't get enough ♪ - Come on.
Man, Hutch, why do we have to wear backpacks full of sand?
Where are we, Guantanamo?
Seriously, Hutch, this is so lame.
This sucks, Hutch.
Running through the woods is for serial killers and runaway slaves.
- Hey! - No offense, Jamar.
I'm neither of those, dick.
Guys! Shut up, stop complaining.
Sweating before a weigh-in is a great thing.
Man, I'm either gonna pass out, shit my pants or both.
Please do both. You do not wanna be awake for the pants-shitting.
Guys, part of camp is finding motivation to do things like this...
- [Hutch] Holy shit, a rattlesnake! - [rattling]
Oh, my God. It's a rattlesnake! Everybody, run!
Go, go, go, go!
It's a rattler app. [laughing]
Yeah, motivation. You know?
See, I knew you weren't that bad of a guy.
Ooh, "Rattler." That sounds like a hook-up app for kindergartners.
Damn! I just made my first million, baby. [laughing]
Jamar, let's get you up here. Week one.
All right, how we doing this week?
Uh...
- Four pounds. That's how we're doing this week. - Yeah!
Ooh!
When I get that five Gs,
I'm gonna get the most baller of baller-ass apartments, dawg.
Gonna be like, "Yo, does Bill Gates live there?" "Nah, that's Hutch Daley."
- "I shoulda known"... - Can I ask you something?
Eight inches, man, strong. # blessed, you know?
You said that I needed to "step on my game" to get with girls.
- But how do I do that to get with Candace? - Step up your game, man.
Get your slang game together, all right?
Also, look, man, you need to lose some weight.
Don't no girl want to be holding up your stomach while she's sucking your dick.
That's too much work, you know what I mean?
Yo, how much weight we lose? Five percent?
Seven percent?
Holy shit, double digits?
- ♪ I'm a bad motherfucker I'm a bad motherfucker ♪ - Really?
Hutch, you moron, you realize your kids gained a total of six percent?
What?
What the fuck is wrong with you dickwads?
- You should be embarrassed of yourselves. - Hey, no, no.
Hey, don't do that.
Their weight loss is your job. You failed, not them.
All right? I knew I couldn't count on you.
It's like you're incapable of success.
I didn't even want to be here, Big Mike.
Then I'll tell you what. Don't be here, all right?
Enjoy all your other options in life.
You know, I'm never gonna get that bonus,
because you keep gaining weight!
You should be embarrassed of yourselves.
Go back to the cabin.
No, matter of fact, run back to the cabin.
Run your fat asses on. Run, now!
Go!
Everybody, inside, please.
Who the hell do you think you are?
You know what it's like to not have control over your weight.
Yeah, I know. 'Cause I haven't had a sugar or nonalcoholic carb in years.
Good for you! Good for you.
But these kids aren't there yet.
And they don't come here to get berated by some self-hating loathing asshole
who's supposed to be their support system.
I'm their trainer, not their fucking cuddle buddy.
I showed them my workouts, and I went through the diets, and they still gained weight.
I suck at this. I can't even win at fat camp.
- Fitness camp. - What-the-fuck-ever! Who cares?
- Hutch. - What?
Do a sweep.
[clattering]
[bottles clinking]
Move!
This violates their civil rights.
Back of the bus, Rosa.
I got a bonus to earn. Yo, I want some confessions right now.
Speak!
I tea-bagged Marshall, and I posted it on Instagram.
- What? - ¿Qué te pasa, dude?
- Shut up! - Check your face, man.
- Speak! - I...
I stole a pair of panties off the girls' clothesline,
and I've kind of been "using" them.
What the fuck is wrong with y'all?
Yo, I appreciate-slash-am very grossed out by your honesty.
But that's not what I'm talking about, man.
How'd y'all gain weight?
Andy.
Oh, yeah, you look guilty.
Yeah, you hate authority, huh?
Smuggling food would be a great "fuck you" to the Man, wouldn't it?
Y'all made me look like a fool out there, man.
Hutch? Ease up?
Hell no, I don't ever ease up.
You fucking with my money, boy?
You know what they do to niggas on the street when they fuck with my money?
Fine, I did it! I brought a butt-load of snacks!
- [Kyle] Little bitch. - All kinds of shit, man.
Funyuns, Ding Dongs...
Yeah, but we ate it all. So leave us alone, Hutch.
- That's not true! - Show me.
Andy! Man the fuck up, bro!
Come on. You can't let Hutch win! He's an asshole!
Come on! Andy, don't!
- Really? - Yo, what the hell?
Why didn't y'all tell me? Andy, we're here to get fit!
Jamar, you're in good shape. You're not one of us!
You yell at us one more time to "fight through the pain,"
- I'm gonna give you some fucking pain to fight through! - I'll beat your ass!
- Yo, stop that shit, man! - Okay!
What are you doing with all this shit?
This shit makes us feel a lot better than you do.
Yeah.
You know what? Fuck it. I'm not even gonna confiscate this.
If y'all wanna grow up and be nobodies and suck the rest of your lives, then fine.
Take some more of this shit. Take some more.
I'm fucking done.
Fuck!
Hutch!
[Marshall] Goddamn it, Andy. You suck!
Yo, what the fuck, man?
[car alarm wailing]
What the hell are you doing?
I'm trying to leave, but some rich asshole is blocking me in!
[alarm chirps]
Figures.
What's with the trash bags?
You had a shit weigh-in, Big Mike hurt your feelings.
So now you're taking your little ball and going home.
Great, you're gonna pile on too, huh?
Yeah, I suck as a counselor, okay?
I don't give a shit, all right?
I got a psych degree, man. I can get any job I want.
Ooh, psych degree. How's that working out, huh?
Suck my dick.
I'm kidding.
[sighs]
Look, I'm sorry. I was a psych major too.
That's why I got the first shitty job I could find.
- Yeah? I thought you loved it here. - This isn't my job.
I sell franchise rights to Kwik-E-Marts
and help people make a profit by bringing crap food to the hood.
Oh, cool. So is this what you do to ease your conscience?
- Oh, you do have a psych degree. - Yeah.
No, I bundle up my vacation and sick days to come and help these kids.
It's the only part of the year that I can actually tolerate.
Yeah, well, fuck these kids, okay?
All they do is self-indulge, and they're too lazy and ignorant to better themselves.
Then why are you here? Honestly.
Same as you. 'Cause I'm running away from my dope-ass job.
- Oh. - Yeah.
[chuckles]
You do know the meaning of "honest," don't you?
I'm a fitness beast. Big Mike wants me to come in...
You know what? I'm actually gonna google "honest" for you.
Oh, my God, you want honesty?
Yes, I want honesty.
I live with my mom.
And not even anymore, because she kicked me out
because I haven't had a job since I graduated college.
So now I live nowhere.
I live nowhere. My life is in trash bags!
All I do is work out.
It's the only thing I'm good at, and I can't even teach it.
Is that honest enough for you?
God, you are slightly harder to dislike when you're being real.
Right, yeah, 'cause being unemployed and living with your mama,
that's, oh, that's a panty-soaker right there.
No, it'll actually get you further than you think.
You wouldn't have failed if you would have just tried harder.
I did try.
Barking orders and insults isn't trying.
You need to figure out what your campers need.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
I usually am.
Good riddance.
Shut up. Hutch is the shit.
No, he's not, Kyle.
Hutch is every bully we've ever met.
Who cares if he's gone?
He didn't give a shit about us.
- [Kyle] I don't know, maybe you're right. - We are right, Kyle.
He has no idea how hard this is.
All right, listen up, chub nuts.
Oh, my fucking Christ.
I am not bailing. Everybody, grab a pen and paper.
- We're gonna do something different tonight. - You got us beers?
Yeah, get a hair on your balls first.
- Oh, I got a hair on my balls. - Yeah? Well, get two.
All right, circle up. Let's do this.
- Hutch, uh... - Nah, I got this.
All right, man, I want everybody to write down
the times they overeat the most, okay?
Be honest with me, but don't put your name on it.
Oh, and don't write any dumb shit like "dinner," or "Thanksgiving."
This isn't a sanctioned activity.
I'm a bad motherfucker, Charlie.
My life is unsanctioned.
There you go. All right. [clears throat]
"When I like a girl that doesn't like me back."
Yeah, I feel that.
That's real.
"When I get picked last for gym class."
That's a good one, yeah.
"When I'm not accepted for being a..."
[clears throat]
"When I'm done beating off."
All right now, this never goes away, all right?
Bust a nut, fill your gut. That's how it works. It's science.
Can't argue with that.
Who heard something that applies to them they didn't write?
Raise your hand.
You see?
We all have problems.
We have to figure out what the problem is and fix it.
If you can't fix it... like the jacking off thing...
you just learn to deal with it and forgive yourself.
But you can't eat your way out of your problems.
You just end up being a fatter person with the same problem.
You guys hear me?
But, Hutch, what problems do you have?
Shit, man, with a physique like this, you ain't got problems.
# bodgoals. Y'all figure it out.
All right, so, uh, we gonna get this started, okay?
- Me and Charlie gonna get with y'all one-on-one. - [together] No homo.
Ah, you fuckers got me. All right.
Jamar, you first. Come on.
So, um,
one of the cards said, "When I'm not accepted for being gay."
And I wanted the person who wrote that to know
they can talk to me about it at any time
and that it's okay to be a 'mo.
I get it. All of us have secrets that we don't want to tell people
'cause they might think we're gross or whatever.
I'm not gross. I'm gay.
Oh.
Then why not just come out?
[sighs] I am out, Hutch.
At home, at school, everywhere.
But as soon as I came here, heard you say that "no homo" stuff
and all that gay stuff, I didn't feel safe.
Andy, listen, man.
Look, 99.9 percent of the stuff that comes out of my mouth
is bullshit.
People's differences, man, that's what makes them interesting.
And it makes for great joke material too.
So you don't hate gay people?
Hell no, man. I kick it with a lesbian all the time.
She's like my best friend. I mean, she's an antisocial, condescending bitch,
but I don't give a damn if she has beaver breath, man.
Look, people are equal. Gay, straight, black, white...
Thin, fat?
Just be yourself, man, and I got your back.
All right? I'll be right behind you.
No homo.
All right, man.
Like that.
Yeah, we talked for hours, man. It was dope.
Like, we really connected, you know?
My boys are easy to connect with. They're little pimps.
One of them was macking this Vision chick, Rebecca.
We call her "Regretta Rebecca."
Huh?
So he doesn't really like her then?
Dude, she's fat.
Take it easy on the booze. It's really fucking your brain chemistry up.
Right, yeah. I'm gonna go pee, man.
Beer, babe. Let's go.
[urinating]
Hutch, there you are.
Yo, back up, dude.
I got my damn tool out, man.
We've been living together this summer. I've seen your privates.
Pretty impressive, by the way.
Do you think you're making this less awkward? What's wrong with you?
I'm making my move on Candace.
How's this shirt? How's my hair?
- How's this for an opening line? - Dude, maintain. Damn!
You are insecure, brother. You need confidence.
Come here. Look in this mirror, man.
You know what I see in this mirror, huh?
A smooth, charming, sexy motherfucker
who's smarter than most people.
Just needs a little break in life, you know?
Thanks, Hutch. I didn't know you felt that way.
Nigga, I'm talking about me.
You are a chubby virgin who can't nut up enough to talk to a fat chick.
- That is you. - Are you trying to improve my confidence?
Look, what I'm saying is you need to look like you, and feel like me, you know?
I'm gonna help you out.
I'm gonna go over there with you,
talk you up to Candace so you're not nervous.
- You mean like a wingman? - Yeah, if this was 2005.
What's wrong with you, Charlie?
Like a friend, man. Like a friend.
Hey, now remember, man, okay?
Confidence. All right?
She's lucky you're hitting on her. Let's go.
- Hey, Candace! - Oooh.
Inside voices, please.
What's up, Hutch? Nice shirt.
Looks like we got front row seats to the gun show.
My man Charlie picked it out for me, man.
He has dope style.
Yeah, um, but you look nice too, Candace.
- Oh. - But not like matronly nice.
Hot. But understated.
Like girlfriend material.
- Have you been drinking, Charlie? - No, I can't.
But I would love to buy you one. Barkeep!
Hello? Barkeep?
I'm, uh... [clears throat] I'm gonna go.
- Barkeep. - Away.
Over there.
Barkeep, beer for milady, please.
[chuckles] Bar-Bar-Barkeep!
Abby again?
No, man.
My guy's spitting game for the first time.
[Douglas] Good luck.
That kid's coochie repellent.
Don't worry, it's okay. I'll just... I'll just get it myself.
- Charlie... What... Jesus. - Aaah.
[laughing]
Charlie, this isn't like some self-service kind of bar.
What the fuck? Jesus... Charlie!
Sorry. Uh, little clumsy.
But this, uh... this drink will help.
[Charlie muttering]
He's doing it.
- Oh! - [gasps]
- [Charlie] I'm so sorry! - [laughing]
- Smooth. - [Candace] Are you fucking kidding me?
Is this a good time to ask you out or a bad time?
Oh!
[gasps, sighs]
- [loud thud] - [man groans]
Man down.
Hell of a show, Vision. I only regret I got no bacon to throw.
Yo, chill the fuck out, dude. My man just busted his dome.
- No, I'm okay. - Don't tell me you actually like those losers.
They can't all be losers. That's statistically impossible.
They're about to eat themselves to death. What part of that is winning behavior?
You get shit-faced and vape and talk shit about people all day.
What part of that is winning behavior?
All of it.
And you're kinda being a fucking dick hole right now.
So whatever's up your ass, you need to dislodge it.
Maybe you're up my ass.
- No homo. - No homo. No.
You know, I'm gonna stop saying that shit.
'Cause I sound like a snobby judgmental bitch like you.
And you're a dirt-poor chub lover with a bloody nose.
- Bloody nose? - [patrons gasp]
- Go back to your fat camp. - Fitness camp, motherfucker.
[patrons groan]
- Oh, God! - What the hell you doin', man?
I hate violence,
and the pain in my testicles is really reminding me why.
[Douglas] You chose the wrong team, bitch.
I mean, look at your boy. He couldn't even nut up to kick it to a fat chick.
Yeah, he doesn't have experience,
but he's a better man than you'll ever be,
- and he can get any girl he wants. - Unlike you.
You had to keep rubbing one out to Abby all summer long.
Beware of chaffing.
I'd say the same thing about you, Douglas,
but even your own hand must hate fucking you.
Me, Charlie and anybody in my cabin
can beat any of you little bitches in anything.
Oh, we'll see at the dance when my boys are swimming in a sea of snatch.
As a matter of fact, we'll outclass, outdance
- and bag more chicks at that dance than you. - Wait...
[patrons] Oh.
- [girl] What? - What the...
[snickers]
- Oh, it's a bet. - Yeah, it is.
Oh. We'll reinforce the floors for you.
Yeah, I don't know what the fuck that means.
- [girl] Later, losers. - [Abby] I'm sorry.
You guys are betting on whose campers are gonna hook up with more girls?
Am I the only one that has a problem with this?
[Charlie] Man, you guys should've seen it!
Those Lone Piners were making fun of us, but Hutch steps up and he's all,
"Well, my boys can do better than your boys."
And then the other guy's like, "Well, my guys can get more girls than your guys can."
And then Hutch is like, "No, my guys can get more chicks than yours can."
And it's all going down at the dance.
- It was probably the greatest night of my life. - Hutch!
- Why would you do that? - What? I stood up for you turds.
By saying we'd get the most girls at a dance? Seriously?
Yes! Come on, guys. We can do this.
Look, we all got sexy in us, man.
You just gotta unleash it. I can turn y'all into chick magnets in no time.
Matter of fact, I got a three-tier program.
One, teach y'all my swagger.
Two, teach y'all some dope-ass pickup lines.
You'll be able to pick up anybody.
Three, spend three weeks teaching y'all some sick dance moves.
Man, panties will be flying all over the place.
Y'all be hitting that motherfucker just like damn...
That is literally the worst idea I've ever heard in my 14 years.
Wait, guys. This idea could be dope.
See?
Marshall likes it, and he hates me!
Mmm!
Guys, come on. This is a good idea.
You know, to show that we big guys can shake our asses too.
[all] No homo.
Yo, all right. We gonna cut the "no homo" shit out, all right?
What? Why?
Because I'm a "yes homo."
- [murmuring] - What the fuck?
I'm gay. So what? I like dudes.
- I'm a homosexual. - I knew that as soon as you walked in.
That explains the way you run, you know?
And since that's the case, you gonna have to work extra hard, man.
Because you thought it was hard getting chicks when you're fat?
Shit, you'll be invisible to gay dudes.
- Step it up. - You guys are cool with this?
We have been sleeping and showering with this kid for weeks.
Kyle, don't be an asshole.
Yeah, homosexuals have contributed greatly to society.
Like, the first computer or fashion week.
I ain't living with a gay dude.
I mean, if you want, I can help your hating ass pack up.
Look, Andy likes dudes.
So more pussy for you. Think about it.
And if I hear you giving him any more shit,
me and you are gonna have a problem, you hear me?
Ooh.
All right. Now, who's down with this dance plan, huh?
Your boy.
Fuck my life. Man, I took a punch for y'all little...
Come on, guys. Really?
Don't hit me, man.
[Big Mike] Attention campers and staff.
Week 3 is officially over.
You're halfway there. Don't quit now.
Like my ex-wife did.
You know, it's pretty ironic we're doing a kitchen raid at a fat camp.
- Jackpot. - Oh, shit?
So...
- One for you. - Thank you.
The trick is...
to melt the chocolate on the marshmallow.
All right. Suck it, Rachael Ray.
They'll get on board
with your lady-getting competition,
which I am turning my feminist brain off for so I can process.
Mmm.
Oh, my God, so freaking good. Here.
Fuck no, thank you. I'm not doing that shit.
That is too much sugar and carbs in one...
It's like six sandwiches. Just shit I don't eat.
- Come on. - Airplane all you want.
Cookies, sugar, not happening ever, for no one.
Dude, your body issues put my campers to shame. Okay, where does it come from?
And don't make me google "honest" again.
Oh, Google, okay...
Look, I'm about to tell you something that only Big Mike knows.
You killed a man?
- You have diphallia? - What the fuck is that?
Two penises.
[stammers]
But... I-I don't know.
I can't imagine why you'd even say that to Big Mike.
- No, no. - No? Okay.
[clears throat]
Uh, I used to be fat.
Like hippo-size.
I went to camp here, and they used to call me Jabba the Hutch.
- [snickers] - Why are you laughing at me?
- It is not that funny. - Okay, sorry. I'm sorry.
It's kinda funny.
My dad took off, and, um, I started eating my feelings,
and before I knew it, I was 5'5," 240.
Well, for what it's worth, I liked that guy.
Hmm?
He was funny, charming...
and a decent rapper.
How you know I could rhyme?
♪ Baby girl, You probably get this All the time ♪
♪ Cats steppin' to you Spittin' you a corny line ♪
♪ So I thought I'd put My feelings for you In a rhyme ♪
♪ It's pretty easy for me ‘Cause you're so fine ♪
[Abby] I just knew that song was for me.
I practiced my surprised face in the mirror,
how you'd hug me when you finished.
♪ I can make you happy, girl If you let me ♪
♪ Make you feel things so good I know... ♪
[Abby] And then I saw you rapping to Jill Hendricks.
[rapping continues]
♪ Be my girl and life for us Will be sweeter than Pepsi ♪
♪ And not diet either ♪
So what do you think?
[scoffs]
- I was willing to be Jill's sloppy seconds. - [grunts]
You still said no.
That's impossible, man.
The girl who liked me was, like, Flabby Fupa or something...
That was my nickname.
Abby Krupa, Flabby Fupa.
Fat upper pussy area?
It was clever, but hurtful.
Ho-ly shit.
Why didn't you say anything?
I almost did.
But you were being such a douche
that I couldn't give you the satisfaction.
And then, you know, it was poetic to watch you drool over me.
I know. I was a jerk. I get it.
So, how'd you lose the weight?
I promised myself if I ever saw my dad again, I would kick his ass.
So, you know, I got swole getting ready for the day
and liked the results so much and was so proud of myself that I just...
- Became a colossal douche canoe. - No, no.
[both chuckle]
I just didn't want to be that kid again.
[clicks tongue]
Aha, you got sugar and carbs in your mouth.
- Yeah? Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
[Hutch] Almost there, boys. Couple more seconds.
- Yes, Charlie. - All right, guys.
We got a new workout today. It's a hip-hop workout.
Why does that sound really, really, really, really close to dancing?
Guys, if we're gonna beat Lone Pine, we have to stick together.
- That's the only way this can work. - We're not doing that.
- You have to at least try. - Why? I don't dance.
- He doesn't even like girls. Get your head checked. - Mm-hmm.
We're never outscoring Camp Supermodels.
Seriously, you don't even understand.
- You've never been fat. - Mm-hmm.
- Yes, I have. - [laughing]
- Bitch. - You're lying.
Nice try, but you can't bullshit a bullshitter.
- No, it's true. - Prove it.
Yo, okay. I got an idea. Come on.
- What's he doing now? - I don't know.
- [snickers] - [laughs]
Oh, my golly!
[laughs] No shit, Hutch! That's you?
- [laughing] - [Jamar] Damn!
- You was fatter than any of us! - Oh-ho-ho!
Them titties though!
- [laughing] - Get off of me, man.
Yeah, okay, I was a fat ass.
And now I'm an asshole.
Look, I hated myself so much for being fat, man.
When I got in shape,
I still hated Fat Hutch so much I was a dick to anybody that looked like him.
[Marshall] Quit lying, Hutch.
I've seen you be a dick to everybody, fat and skinny.
Marshall, stop fucking up my moment.
Sorry.
Look, the point is, if I can do it, so can y'all.
And I know you can kill it at this dance.
Just don't be assholes, all right?
There's a thin line between confidence and arrogance, and I need to see y'all straddle it.
No homo.
Right. Not doing that anymore.
My bad.
All right, men, when you walk into this dance, you gotta have swagger.
It's all about your presence, how you carry yourselves.
You gotta carry yourself with confidence.
A little swagger, point at somebody you know, all right?
Don't point at anybody you don't know. That's very weird.
All right? Let's go.
Kyle, let's see this. Stop grabbing your dick.
What you grabbing your dick for? Let your dick go.
What... You look like you're doing little mini curtsies. Stop doing that.
Don't point at nobody walking like that.
Pick it up!
All right, y'all, two-step. Two-step. Hit that.
Stop using all your body! It's a two-step with your feet! Goddamn it.
What's up, bro?
Hey, hey, bro, can I get some...
Can I get a burger with that sh-shake?
I like your eyes. I like your mouth hole.
When you see a chick that you like, nod at her, you know?
Just a little swagger. Get your post up like this and just nod at her.
If you can't get your butt off the ground, girls don't want to be around!
Looking good, y'all. Let's go. Keep it up.
Back this way. Looking good, y'all.
The whip and the nae nae, it's a very important dance, all right?
Go, step into the whip. Whip.
Step into your whip. Whip.
Whip. There you go. Whip.
Up. Jump.
Hope y'all better with girls than you are with exercising.
Down. Push-up.
Jump.
Jump. Down.
...eighteen, 19...
Week four. Yeah!
- Killed it! - Yeah, that's how you do it, baby!
...twenty-five, 26...
Another four! Yeah! [laughing]
Point at somebody you know.
Oh, yeah, they see it, they see it.
[Kyle] 'Sup, boo?
What's your name?
Wait. Say it slow.
I've never really heard the voice of an angel before.
[man] ♪ Let's get away ♪
♪ Up in the clouds ♪
♪ It's such a better day ♪
- Okay, all right. - ♪ Well, get on out ♪
♪ We gonna celebrate ♪
- Ooh! - Oh-ho-ho!
Ready? Go!
Whip.
Watch me nae nae.
- Wrong hand, Marshall. - Whip, whip.
- My bad, my bad. - Nae nae.
Damn, girl.
Your name must be Stevia.
'Cause you're sweet like sugar but without the guilt.
[jeering]
Hey, way to get em', dawg. That was dope.
Yeah, that was sick. Sizzle it up.
- Oh! - Hey, so now y'all know what swagger looks like.
I'm proud of y'all, man!
Look, take that shit to the dance, you'll be fine, all right?
I wouldn't listen to a word he says. [chuckles]
Ooh! Punanny!
Hey, you. Going to the party later?
- Little booze, skinny-dipping... - You really don't listen, do you?
I try not to, but you keep talking.
Damn. You know I'm gonna show this to the cops. You goin' to jail.
I'll be in a house with other battered men, and we'll just talk about...
- You are an idiot. - Verbal abuse too? Shit.
I am taking a 24 for my dad's birthday.
Hutch! Hutch!
- Yeah, what's up, Rebecca? - You have a big problem.
Eric just told me that Douglas
is gonna have his whole cabin pants you guys in front of everyone at the dance.
Wait, what?
[distorted] They're going to pants you.
[sighs]
Now we're extra fucked.
[Hutch] Come on, guys. You can't give up that easy.
We just gotta find a way to get 'em back.
There's no getting them back after they publicly pants us.
Yo. I know exactly what we need to do.
- [shouting] - That is so stupid, Hutch!
- Stupid! - Something's wrong with you, Hutch!
- I'm triggered! - If you don't stand up for yourselves now,
people are gonna shit on you for the rest of your lives!
Hey, what if we wear really tight jeans with really tight belts.
- That could work out. - No, Marshall.
Dude, it doesn't matter. They'll always be the cool guys and we'll be the marks.
Doesn't have to be that way. That's what I'm trying to tell you guys.
- Yo, I'm definitely not going. - Me neither.
Yeah, as if it didn't suck enough!
- Yeah, even I think it's a bad idea. - Charlie, come on.
- Guys! - No!
Trust me, man! You'll be legends!
If this is your idea of a good plan,
then you should go to idiot camp!
What?
I don't know. It sounded much funnier in my head.
- Come on. - [Hutch] Guys!
Come on. Don't bail, man. Damn.
- [music playing] - [people laughing, chattering]
- [boy] I have no idea, man. - [girl laughing]
[laughing]
Cheers!
Hey, guys.
[laughing]
Drink up, Charlie.
Life's just one big disappointment after the other.
These kids don't give a damn about us.
You know I can't drink. I'm a CIT.
You're being a real C-U-N-T right now. Come on, man.
Fuck up and learn from it.
You know? Spend one day not walking on sunshine.
Thank you.
[spits] Agh!
- [coughs] Oh, God. - [chuckling]
- Candace here, huh? - Yeah, how'd you know?
[groans] You can make your move, all right?
But you're gonna need alcohol.
Because you, my friend, have very, very, tiny baby balls.
And this will grow 'em to big boy size.
Hey, Hutch, I have some of that cinnamon whiskey you like.
Shot later?
Hey, Candace!
- Hey. - Nice sweater.
But you know, adults lose ten percent of their body heat through their head,
so if you're cold, you should wear a hat?
Wow.
You must be so wet right now.
- [laughs] - I'm gonna let you two chat
and do butt stuff.
We all used to drink when we were CIT's.
Just don't go overboard.
- [spits] - Ooh.
Smooth. [chuckles]
Very smooth, very sexy.
[both chuckle]
[Hutch] It's beautiful out here! Why is nobody in the water?
All right, this shrinkage is unsuitable for public viewing.
I'm calling it a night.
You want my towel?
Uh, no.
Don't be stupid. Take the towel.
All right. Oh.
The shrinkage isn't that bad, btdubs.
[moaning]
Holy shit. Fifteen minutes till breakfast?
Guys! Guys, get up! Everybody, get up!
Guys. Guys, get up.
Wake up, wake up. Guys, guys, we gotta get up.
It's breakfast, guys. We gotta get up.
Guys...
What the hell is going on here?
Oh, sh... Uh, we were probably just trying to keep warm, man, you know?
Yeah? Clothes usually help with that.
Fourteen minutes till breakfast.
I'd hurry up if you want to make it... friend.
Charlie.
[grunts]
Fuck.
[sighs]
- Charlie! - [horn beeps]
Hey!
Cutting it close to breakfast, huh? Need a lift?
- [tires screech] - Hey, you all right?
- [groans] - I smell booze?
Aaah!
Fuck!
No!
No. Just walk away.
Sorry.
Fuuuuck!
Fuck!
[gags]
Gah, fuck!
Come on, Charlie. What are you doing?
Look, man, I was blackout drunk last night.
I don't even know what happened for real, man.
Say something, Charlie. Come on.
You could've had anybody that you wanted,
and you still went and fucked the only girl that I've ever given a shit about?
[stammering]
Everybody told me that you were such a douche,
and I said that there was a good guy in there, but I was wrong!
You're a hollow skin suit.
You're a broken human.
You've got no heart,
no backbone, no balls.
Okay, I get it, man.
I-I get it, y-you hate me, man. But come on. Don't leave camp.
- You love this place. - Oh, like I have a choice?
You think I want to leave here?
I just got fired, Hutch.
For being drunk.
But at least I wasn't being a C-U-N-T, right?
Charlie, come on, man.
Uncle Mike, man, you can't fire Charlie.
He vomited on me,
and I smelled like a frat house sofa.
And I swear it got on everything.
The entire camp looks like a giant puke germ.
I get that... [sighs]
I spiked his drink.
- Excuse me? - Yeah, I... He...
He needed confidence to hit on Candace,
so I gave him some.
Uncle Mike, man, you said it yourself
that if I let myself love this place, I could, and I did, man.
I-I-I love it here. I love the campers, Charlie, everybody.
And it's all due to your influence.
Oh, really? Let me get this straight.
Because of my influence, you poisoned your best friend,
fucked his crush, and then got him fired?
Well, when you put it like that, man...
Hutch, I'm trying to build this camp back to prominence.
I gave you a job as a favor,
and you get one of my best guys fired?
I can't believe you, man. You know what? Get out of my camp.
What? Uncle Mike, come on, man. These kids need me.
No, they don't need you. You know what?
The best thing I could do for these kids...
is to keep them away from someone like you.
Uncle Mike, come on, man.
The worst part about it is now I gotta tell your mother
that you actually are the bum she thought you were.
You couldn't make it work for one summer, huh?
Get out of my camp.
What the hell?
Hutch!
- Hey, Hutch! - Hutch!
[Jamar] Come back!
[Andy] Are you leaving?
- [Jamar] Hutch! - [Andy] What are you doing?
- [Jamar] Dude, where are you going? - [Kyle] Don't go!
[shouting]
Cut him off, dude. Bro, come on!
[Kyle] Come on!
[Jamar] Hutch! Man, what are you doing?
- Hutch! Hutch! - Where are you going, Hutch?
Come on! Come on!
- Hutch! - Hutch!
[no audible dialogue]
- [knocking] - Hey, Ma! Ma, it's me! Open up!
Ma!
Yo, who the fuck are you?
Uh, Fred.
Yo, Ma, who the fuck is Fred?
- Fred's my fuck buddy right now. [laughs] - Oh, my God.
But he's kinda growing on me, so I'm thinking about upgrading him to my A-piece.
Mmm, I'm about to be somebody A-piece?
I'm about to throw up in the toilet, then sleep in my own bedroom.
No, no, no, no, no. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait.
- What the heck is this brother wearing? - None of your business.
- Uh... - Son, your room doesn't exist anymore.
It's now my red room, like Fifty Shades of Grey?
And I don't think you'd get a good night's sleep on my pleasure swing.
Okay, I'ma throw up right here on this cement, and I'll just sleep in the den.
No, you can't do that either.
Son, I can't keep enabling you.
The fact that your life sucks is either nature or nurture,
but whatever it is, it's my fault.
Ma.
Come on. I'm your son.
If I don't push your ass off that cliff, you'll never fly.
Bye.
Um... [clears throat] It was nice meeting you.
Nigga, you ain't met me, man!
Stop jumping your little-ass man-titties.
What the hell am I supposed to do Ma, huh?
Blow some strangers in the bus station for meth money?
At least you'd be generating some income!
Oh, that's gross, Ma. It was a joke, man. Goddamn it.
- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.
Okay, Hutch. We've got some rules here.
Don't touch my booze. Absolutely no pot.
I don't cook for you, I don't clean for you,
and you know that phrase "make yourself at home"?
Don't.
Ooh, burn. [laughs]
- Okay? Love you. - You got it, babe. Love you.
- Love you. - Love you.
- Love you too, Maggie. - Aw. Fuck off.
- Okay. - [laughs]
Yo, don't ever tell her this, man,
but I kind of like her, dude.
- She a tough broad. - Sometimes too tough.
So what's next, man?
I'll probably jack off, call it a night.
- [laughs] - Dude, she's talking about life.
This is a crucial moment, Hutch.
I mean, you can decide to be a decent human...
Or a bum-ass nigga.
Come on, man. Dave's right.
You're talented, you're smart, you're funny.
I hate to say it, but you are attractive.
You got all the tools, bro. You gotta use 'em.
Look, I know I don't say this enough, but, uh,
I really love y'all, man, for having my back.
Enough? You've never said that, in your entire life, to anyone.
And I can't believe you didn't say "no homo" afterwards.
- Right. - Babe.
Ah, you better go fetch that, bruh.
[chuckles] "Babe."
- I'll handle this. Whoa. - Oh, come on, man.
Yo, Winnie, uh...
[clears throat] You ever thought I was being a dick to you because you're a lesbian?
What? No. I thought you were being a dick to me because you are a dick.
- Hmm. True. - And because I'm a woman
who makes more money than you, I have a better job than yours,
I get more chicks than you, and I don't live with my mom.
I got it! Damn! How long is that list?
I mean, long. Shit, you asked.
You right. Touché.
Damn.
Uh... [sighs]
Yo, I'm gonna try to be less of a dick, all right?
Think that'd be a great fucking start, bruh.
I'ma really try this time.
In the meantime, get yourself some rest, man.
Try to keep this place clean, all right? I'm here for you, buddy.
'Ppreciate ya.
Hi. I'm Charlie Soto.
- I was told I could find Hutch here. - Why are you so happy, bro?
- Mm-mmm. - He's in there.
Charlie. Man, I'm so... [grunts]
You told Big Mike that you spiked my drink?
- Yeah. - That took a backbone.
And a heart and balls.
And Candace told me what really happened...
that basically you passed out and you couldn't even get it up to have sex.
She said... Oh, I can get it up.
- Goddamn it, I'm up right now. - That means you didn't have sex with her.
- You should be happy that you didn't betray me. - No, I get it.
I didn't betray you, but my schlong, it works. Overtime.
Employee of the fucking month, just on a frame.
Point is, fuck Candace.
She would've had sex with my best friend.
And you helped me learn that I deserve better than that.
Yeah, you do, man.
But you also helped me learn that
we have to do this Lone Pine plan.
We have to end these kids' summer with a bang.
Mmm...
- What? - Nothin'.
These kids still aren't down with this pantsing thing.
I need you to come back and convince them.
If they don't do this, they're gonna regret it for their whole entire life.
What do you say?
- Hell yeah, man. Come on. Let's do it. Yeah. - Yes!
It's gonna feel so good not to lay down and take it for once.
- Okay, go ahead and say it. - No homo, man. Damn!
- I'm sorry. - You were killing me with that shit.
- It was really bad. I'm sorry. - I gotta grab my bags.
- Okay, grab 'em, grab 'em. - All my trash bags.
Okay, my mom's got the car running, so hurry up.
[chattering]
- What's up, Big Mike? - Little Timmy. That's my man.
[laughing]
- Good. Great. - Yeah.
Why you dressed like the Unabomber again?
'Cause I'm trying not to be spotted by Big Mike, man.
I'm incog-negro. Chill.
[exhales, chuckles nervously]
- Yo, hang on. - Hmm.
[chuckling]
Hutch, what the hell?
This little butt boil is dicking you around.
Hey, leave her alone, or I'm gonna kick your smug little ass,
and I don't work for the camp anymore, so it's street rules in this bitch.
Hutch, are you crazy?
- He's dating Rebecca as a goof. - No, I'm not.
I only said that so they'd leave me alone. I like Rebecca.
Everybody makes fun of me for it, but I'm done giving a shit.
I can choose my own girlfriend. Fuck what anybody thinks.
- Girlfriend? - Um, yeah.
What do you say, Becks?
Abby. Abby, come on. Please, talk to me.
Sure. Because the Candace thing and the Jill Hendricks thing wasn't enough.
If you could fuck me over a third time, it'll be just great.
- Abby, come on. Wait a second. - Hey.
What's this?
- [sighs] - What are you doing at the dance?
I had to see my boys dance, all right? Just be cool.
Oh, I'll be real cool while I'm telling the cops you're trespassing.
Uncle Mike, we're family, man.
[phone shatters]
You can take the money for the new phone out my paycheck.
- [laughing] - He said "paycheck."
- [Hutch] Come on. - Damn, that was some gangsta shit.
Respect, home.
So I was like, "Why would I give money to some bum?"
He's just gonna spend it on alcohol anyway.
- [chuckling] - Yeah.
Man, this must be the world's cleanest vaginas.
- I see a whole pack of used douches. - [laughing]
I didn't think you were gonna make it, since you got sacked and all.
- [boy] Ooh. - Only thing getting regularly sacked
is your mama's chin and taint, boy!
Ooh!
Wanna throw down again, Daley?
Anytime, bitch.
But right now my boys got some business to attend to.
Well, may the dopest bros win.
Oh, they will.
[Marshall] We will.
[speakers: hip-hop plays]
[man] ♪ By the end of the night You'll be home, girl ♪
♪ Talking all that ♪
♪ When I slide up in it Talking kids, huh ♪
♪ Worry about some rules That don't matter ♪
♪ Don't flatter me, baby You know I know that ♪
- Hey! - [laughing]
[laughs]
[no audible dialogue]
[gasping, giggling]
- [gasps] - [Douglas] Losers! [laughs]
[boy] Dope, Eddie!
[laughing continues]
- All right, now. - [man] ♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
- ♪ Oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ - [laughs]
♪ D-D-Does your mama know You dance like that? ♪
- [laughs] - Yeah!
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
- ♪ Hey now ♪ - ♪ Does your mama know You dance like that? ♪
- ♪ What's up? ♪ - ♪ Hey ♪
♪ Put your hands in the air Now jump, jump ♪
♪ Came in here To have fun, fun ♪
♪ Now do your dance Don't be shy ♪
♪ Go to work like a 9-to-5 ♪
♪ Oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Came in here To have fun, fun ♪
♪ Oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Does your mama know You dance like that? ♪
♪ Oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
[scoffs] Hey, man, you worried about getting bitches with that thing?
You got a motherfucking third leg, bro.
♪ Oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Does your mama know You dance like that? ♪
♪ Let's go ♪
♪ T-T-Turn up the bass ♪
- ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ - [Candace] Whoo!
♪ Does your mama know You dance like that? ♪
Oh, yeah.
[girl] I love you, Kyle!
[girl 2] Yeah! [laughs]
- What's up? I'm Andy. - What's up?
You crush my boy's heart, I'll stomp your skull in.
[Kyle] Carry on.
[song continues]
[giggles]
- Oh! - Come on!
Get up! Come on! Come on! Yeah!
Get up, everyone! Yeah!
Come on!
Whoo!
Jump! Jump!
Jump! Jump! Jump! Come on!
Come on!
[song ends]
[cheering]
Yeah!
Mm-hmm.
[girl] Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
Yeah, boys. [laughs]
That's how you do it, man. That's how you do it!
- [laughing] - Dude, that was awesome!
Way to go, bruh. You're dope.
Proud of y'all, man.
- [Hutch] They ain't see that coming. - [Marshall] Nope.
[Big Mike on PA] Attention, campers.
[clears throat] Even though this may be Camp Vision's last summer,
it's been a great one.
[voice breaks] I'm not crying.
[click]
Yo, Hutch, Abby.
So, uh, while you were gone, your kids had their final weigh-in.
And they... lost more fat than any other cabin.
Yeah. [chuckles]
I don't know what to say. I guess dance practice paid off, man.
- Thanks, Uncle Mike. - Unfortunately, since you were technically fired at the time,
I can't give you the money.
Rules, bro.
So, Abby, the $5,000 is yours.
Hey, come on. I thought you'd be happier.
I'm not really used to being a runner-up.
What if there was a way I could make you happy. You too, Uncle Mike.
Just need a... little advance though.
Advance on what?
- Oh, yeah. - I don't like that face.
[Hutch] And with your investment, we'll create a brand-new program.
Abby and I both have psych degrees, and Big Mike has been in the business over 20 years.
Adding a psychological counseling component
to Camp Vision's focus on diet and exercise
will help us get to the root of their overeating.
I would help the male campers and...
My role will be to tailor a program
to young ladies who tend to have more intense
but very distinctive body issues during adolescence.
[Hutch] And the program would be yearlong,
but we would visit them at their homes
to make sure they're maintaining their exercises
and train our staff to connect with their hearts and minds
and not just their bellies and bitch tits.
- Bitch tits? - Did he say "bitch tits"?
Look, it's not just about shaping these kids up.
It's about connecting with their lives.
I really love these kids.
- Thank you. - [man] Thank you. Thank you.
- Sorry about the bitch tits. - No. Okay.
[Hutch chuckles] I see.
All right, well, thank you for the call.
What'd they say?
Uh, they said they liked the proposal,
but if we want the job, we're gonna have to give a lot of sloppy blow jobs.
I'm serious, asshole.
- They said, "Welcome aboard." - Ah! [laughs]
I am so proud of you.
Damn. I have never had anybody say that to me before.
- We have to celebrate. - We do.
You're right. I got this dope dinner spot, right?
I actually had a different idea.
Oh, this could be dinner too.
[funk plays]
[Big Mike] Fat Camp's over, y'all.
I don't need to lose weight. I'm a frickin' stud.
[Big Mike] Yeah.
Big Mike comin' at ya.
Jamar Hilton Jeffers reporting for camp, sir!
[Big Mike] That's right, fatties. Yeah.
[Big Mike grunts]
No homo.
Right. I'm not doing that anymore.
[Big Mike] Was it good for you... like it was for me?
That's right, fatty. We're gonna get your skinny on.
[grunts] Super fat now.
Uh-huh. [grunts]
I will get you. I'ma get you hard.
Uh! Fat Camp, y'all.
Get your boogie on.
Come on now.
We're goin' year-round.
Ha!
We're goin' year-round!
Has this ever happened to you?
[stammering]
Ha!
[shutter clicking]
Hmm!
- [laughing] Take three. Marker. - Ha!
Oh! Still nailed it! Whoo! Can't stop!
- Mmm! - I'm getting out!
Yeah, I did it! Whoo!
Whoo... Oh, wait.
Move the hand down and get that ass, right there.
Uh.
I got my own ass to grab.
All us people have secrets that we don't want to tell anybody
because we wanna feel safe.
Oh, wait, no. That's not my line.
What do you mean, "No"?
- [laughing] - That's right, fatties.
- Hey, I tried to save you. - I know.
[chattering]
[laughing]
Before I met you, I...
I've never looked at someone Candace's size, at all.
Oh!
Big Mike, y'all.
And I'll keep comin' till I got ripped abs,
chiseled delts and overweight calf muscles.
- [director] Take it back from... - [laughing]
"Overweight calf muscles."
Thank you, I wanted to look like a pencil today.
You think prison rape is bad.
Try getting your little doo-doo puss tape-fucked by a guy...
[laughing]
[Big Mike] Ow!
- Do that again. Ah! - Okay.
[Hutch] What the fuck? [laughs]
- [Big Mike] Do your exercise. - All right.
- Ah! - Do your jumping jacks.
- Got it? - [laughing]
Do your push-ups.
Son of a bitch.
So... Goddamn it.
Hey.
Mmm!
[man] We're set.
Got everything going in action.
Now here we go.
- [laughs] What... - All right.
I'm not playin' with you, Chris.
I heard it. I heard, Mom, and my name's Hutch.
I mean Hutch. Why I wanna fuckin' call you Chris?
[crew laughing]
'Cause you love me already, girl!
Ow!
[Hutch] I'm like the male version of you with lighter skin.
No, you're not the male... I'm the male version of me.
- [crew laughing] - Super fat.
Super.
Super fat now.
Uh.
That motherfucker cleared me. [laughs]
I-I... I went... I almost went like that.
- Mmm! - Phew.
[laughing]
- [laughing] - Ow!
Mmm!
Get your boogie on.
Get your groove on.
One time now.
Two times now.
Three time now.
Don't hurt yourself now.
'Bout to get skinny.
Yeah, what's the commotion?
We in motion.
Uh. Yeah.
[snickering]
- [laughing] - [woman] My God, that's amazing!
- [farting sound] - [laughing]
Subtitles by explosiveskull